A strange lull...

I feel anxious. And apprehensive. Couldn't tell you why.

Actually, maybe I can. I'm hitting a point in my life where I have to do something with it. Not small things that keep me busy, but big things that you have to make decisions about and plan for. I'm trying to think of a time in my life where this has been so difficult for me. In the past I've always had either a huge specific internal goal to work toward or someone/something to compete against. That's missing right now. And it makes me nervous. I think the main thing is that I can't figure out what to do for a career. Where do you look for jobs when you don't know what you want to do? Why bother preparing for an unknown? That's kind of how I feel. I'm a little lost, it seems like that will come out in whatever I do. Sometimes it's like I'm always coming up short. Inadequate.

Maybe it's just because the craziness from the past few weeks is gone for a few days. And it's been cloudy the past few days. Not sudden summer sunny storms (baaad alliteration--sorry), but suffocating, energy-draining cloudy. I actually got to do nothing yesterday. I watched a Law and Order: SVU marathon and read a new book. Nothing left to pack, leaving nothing left to clean, no work for class (update: well, I just got work for class), it's given me time to think. And that could be a dangerous thing. Or maybe the downtime will help me find my motivation. I've just got a case of the doldrums. Or have you ever read Breakfast at Tiffany's? Maybe it's the mean reds.